I will leave you unsatisfied

This is an update.

Pretzelz

I was at the train station today, eating an Auntie Anne's pretzel and waiting for my train when a policeman walked by with his radio going off. 9 times out of 10 those have absolutely nothing to do with me, but I'm always worried there will be that one time when I'll overhear the radio and it will be about me.

"Subject is a white male. Tall. Goofy in appearance. He's eating some kind of pretzelled bread. It appears to have cinnamon sugar on it. Possible security threat, requesting permission to smash his face in."

"Permission granted. Be sure to use the pointy end."

I would be so screwed if that happened.

Also, I would really like a pretzel now.

So that's where it comes from...

On Tuesday I bought a Snapple Green Tea and I opened it and there were words on the bottom of the cap. The words spelled out a sentence and it said, "Fun fact: Ginseng is just pee."

Damn you Snapple. That's not funny.

Let me axe you something

Since they've already got the questionable commercials, I think AXE should just go all in and release a bunch of rape-themed scents. They could give them names like "frat party" or "no means yes" or "what's that in your drink?".

I should so be in charge of their marketing.

Celebrities that look like other animals:

Everything you need is really in the title and the picture with this one. If you want some sort of accompanying "Taco Bell" joke, send me an email and I'll see what I can do.

Dear Icy Winter Wind:

Knock it off.

Come On Down To Crazy Dave's Car Emporium

Apparently when car dealers say "We'll say yes to any deal", that does not include deals that involve sex. Guess I'll take my penis elsewhere. I hope Chuck E. Cheese is open.

Happy Valentine's

I wish it were elementary school again and I would get that paper bag hand decorated with cut out paper hearts, or squares and triangles in the case of that one special kid, and then we would run around and fill them with valentines. You would get Barbie valentines, or My Little Pony valentines from the girls and Ninja Turtles and Hacksaw Jim Duggan valentines from the boys. It didn't really matter what was on them, you went Halloween style anyway; take out all the candy, destroy the rest. Those sure were the days.

Paint It Black

I'm not sure why no one wants to play 1920's paint ball with me. It's just like regular paint ball except that in 1920's paint ball, the paint is lead-based. Oh you know what, that's probably why no one wants to play.

Phonics Didn't Work For Me

In 1992, with my grades slipping, I became hooked on phonics. It started innocently enough. A tape here, a book there. I'd do it with friends or family. But then they would leave and when I was all alone, the addiction would come back twice as hard. At the height of my habit, I would come home, lock the bathroom door, and burn through three or four phonics tapes at a time. Then I'd lay around all afternoon, strung out on syllables and juice boxes. I was a fiend. I needed help. In 1994, with the support of family and friends and the additional treatment of a doctor regulated methadone prescription, I kicked my phonics habit. I've now been clean for going on 13 years now, and I don't plan on ever looking back.

Make Your Own Snow Day

If the school won't cancel school, then I'll do it myself.

Pop pop

I realized today that the popped collar is totally the mullet of our time. It's business in the front, party in the back. Plus the kids that have them think they're totally bitchin' and everyone else can see that they just look retarded.

That's not how it works

I think the makers of maxi pads should launch an attack campaign against tampons with the slogan "Tampons are for pussies."

Superman Ain't Saving Shit

You know what would be a good disguise for superman? A beard. He's lucky that the citizens of metropolis are all retards, because the glasses thing seems to work for him. Every now and then someone starts to catch on: "Hey, Clark looks exactly like superman! Same build and same eyes and face and mannerisms!" but then someone else is like "Nah, but Clark has those glasses. And superman has that hair loop". And everyone seems satisfied and they get back to business. But if he had a beard, he wouldn't have to put up with that. My dad had a beard once when I was a little kid, and he shaved one day and came in my room and scared the little kid shit out of me. I thought he was someone else, no joke. If superman had a beard, it would really solve a lot of his identity problems. And he'd look damn handsome to boot. That's just my two cents.

All Dogs Go To Heaven

If all dogs go to heaven, doesn't that create some issues? What about the Muslim kid who dies and goes to the afterlife and finds out his dog is in heaven and meanwhile, he's chilling out with a Buddha? That fucking sucks. They probably wanted to hang out and now they can't. I don't think God should be allowed to have all the dogs. Maybe just some of them. This is the kind of shit I think about when I'm at work.

Transcript

Here's the official transcript for "Nutting on yo face", in case you have trouble reading the picture. My words in bold. Wordsworth's in regular Georgia font.

Nutting on yo face

It seems a day I'm dressed in my motherfuckin' frock
(I speak of one from many singled out) by my Glock.
One of those heavenly days that cannot die; takin' stock.
When in the eagerness of boyish hope, I'm on the corner slingin' rock.
I left our cottage-threshold, sallying forth with my cock
Wiht a huge wallet o'er my shoulder slung, keepin' ho's on the lock.
A nutting-crook in hand; and turned my steps on 22's
Tow'rd some far-distant wood, a Figure quaint, on 22's.
Tricked out in proud disguise of cast-off weeds and Ekscalades
Which for that service had been husbanded, I'll bury yo ass in the Everglades.
By exhortation of my frugal Dame--the city of Miami.
Motley accoutrement, of power to smile in my Dodge Rammy
At thorns, and brakes, and brambles,--and in truth, I'll crush them all.
More ragged than need was! O'er pathless rocks, and yellin' "Lick my balls!".
Through beds of matted fern, and tangled thickets, fuckin' bitches
Forcing my way, I came to one dear nook and stole her britches.
Unvisited, where not a broken bough could clicky-clack,
Drooped with its withered leaves, ungracious sign to pinch yo' sack.
Of devastation: but the hazels rose, the bitch stood with dancer's grace
Tall and erect, with tempting clusters hung, and I nutted on her face,
A virgin scene!--A little while I stood, admiring my work
Breathing with such suppression of the heart, since I straight up twerp the jerk
As joy delights in; and, with wise restraint I yelled "skeet skeet"
Voluptuous, fearless of a rival eyed her up, then grabbed her teat.
The banquet;--or beneath the trees I sate.

The End

Today in British Literature

Wordsworth wrote a poem called "Nutting". I am immature. Above is the result.

Animals I'd Like To See

Kangaridgeon

Porcupotamus

Rhinocerbee

Tyrannocoon

Catdog

Donkpie (Donkey outside/Delicious pie filling inside)

Squirrelolion (Part squirrel, part dandelion. Vulnerable to wind.)

Bonus: Animals I Have Seen

Tiger

Squirrel

Vacuum Cleaner

Cat

Fluffier cat. May have been cleaning wand.

Rabbit

Coyote

Some kind of dog, possibly ugly child.

Assorted birds

That's it.