I promise you May will be better

I apologize for the lack of April updates, my mind has been elsewhere lately.

I'm tired of writing titles for you. Do you think titles grow on trees?

The Chinese restaurant down the street from us started giving out these Emotional Damage fortune cookies with every meal you get. I'm not sure I like them very much.

The other day I had one that said "You walk funny" and I looked on the back for the lucky numbers and it said "fuck you, that's what" in code.

I'm just not sure that's encouraging healthy behavior patterns.

Fitness Made Slightly Easier

I realized yesterday that if you have enough buff, tan, oily people in swim trunks, you can sell anything as exercise equipment, especially if you put "ab" in front of it. I'm pretty sure I saw an ad yesterday for an exercise thingy called the "ab hammock" and they had a bunch of buff oily people laying in an ordinary hammock, contorting and supposedly burning fat.

I'm going to sell my own exercise equipment called "ab donuts". It's a box of glazed donuts, also available in chocolate frosted, that will help you lose pounds from your waist in minutes a day. What you do is you eat the donuts, and because buff oily people are doing it in my commercial, you will pay money for these donuts.

Results may vary.

"This is a tragedy in American history. So for today, forget any and all of your college affiliations. For today, we are all Hokies."
-CNN

Tech Tech VPI

Please pray for those affected.

"Scuse me, while I kiss this guy..." wait, that's not right.

"I don't practice Santeria, I ain't got no crystal ball, if I had a million dollars well I'd...I'd invest it wisely in mutual funds and annuities"
-Sublime, Santeria, First Draft

I can't believe another Easter's come and gone

I already ate the ears off my chocolate Jesus.

The Real Breakfast of Champions

Rest in peace Kurt Vonnegut. You truly were a perfect writing machine.

Double park like it's a car show...

Is using the handicap bathroom stall morally akin to parking in a handicap spot? Will God judge me harshly if I happen to like a slightly roomier-than-average stall? I sure hope not.


There's so much space in those.

Bean bag chairs are the manatees of the sofa kingdom.

What do you think is in a bean bag chair? I don't think it's beans because I cooked one the other day and it definitely didn't taste like chili. Maybe it wasn't a bean bag chair.

Don't you hate that though? When you cook one thing and it turns out to be something else?

I don't have any examples of that, those questions are just rhetorical.

Sorry to get your hopes up.



No I'm not.

You seem more confident Bob...

Blog and I got haircuts today. Blog only wanted a little off the top, but the lady took a whole bunch off and now it's different, but maybe in a good way. Anyway, now the colors are all crazy. Hopefully we'll all get used to them.
Love,
Chris

I know there's an update in here somewhere...uh...yep there it is.

You know how when they sell beef and beef cows, they always detail what the cow ate earlier on that day?
Like, "This burger is made from 100% corn-fed Iowa cows and is made of extra tender beef."
I love that, knowing exactly what the cow's been eating. I wish they did that for dogs, when you went in to the pet store to buy one.
"This is Buddy. He's 100% golden retriever with a handsome coat. He eats mostly kibble but today he also had some Snausages, a stick of butter, an entire Easter ham, and some cat poop."

"Can I have a dog that's maybe eaten a little less poop?"

"Certainly sir."

And they could have different grades of quality.

"You don't want that dog sir, he's grade D meat. Just yesterday he ate two mittens and a golf ball."

"Ew."

That would definitely make it easier to pick out pets.

Happy Easter

How come Christianity is the only religion that features retarded secular versions of all of its holidays? Why aren't there people who believe in the Hannukah Bear? Or the Kwanzaa Lynx? I would totally celebrate those holidays.

Also, now I want salmon.

You can't fool me, English.

The ampersand is definitely just a guy trying to lick his own feet. Look:

&

He's so close too.