I would look quite the fool. An April fool as it were.

April fools is right around the corner, which means that your friends are going to pull stuff on you. I suggest buying a gun. Or, if that's not your kind of thing, you can just pull a prank on them. I pulled a prank on my grandma this one year. I went to her house and set all of her clocks back 3 hours. You should have seen her waking up at 11 o'clock thinking it was 8. I popped out of this closet like, "Oh man Grandma! April Fool's! I got you so bad hahahaha!"
And she was all "My heart pills, my heart pills, need...pills....you...evil boy".
I think she appreciated the humor of it.
So I wish you a happy and safe April Fool's day. May your pranks bring shame and embarrassment to those closest to your heart.

Heat Vision and Jack

I have to say I'm absolutely mystified by the workings of television. As my friend Cory pointed out, how is it that a show like Laguna Beach can run for several seasons, while a show featuring Jack Black as a super-intelligent astronaut and Owen Wilson as his sidekick motorcycle doesn't even make it past the pilot stage? Well, hopeless pining aside, I here at Testoesorotica am proud to bring you the pilot for just such a show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you "Heat Vision and Jack":

Daddy's been a little busy

Updates coming soon. If you can't wait that long, hit me up on AIM at testoesorotica, and I'll see what I can do as far as making your day.

Joe Mathlete made my day...

Sweet. Joe Mathlete said he would draw anything I wanted on an index card, in addition to sending me a lovely t-shirt. All I had to do was pre-order. Joe Mathlete delivered in fine style. If you don't know what I'm talking about, click here.

How does that even happen to a person?

If you took the guy from Blue October and pasted some tiny shoes on his chin, he would look like a Mr. Potato Head. That would be absolutely adorable.

Ration this out, it'll have to last you till Monday.

Happy St. Patty's Day! Update soon.

Gotta lean so they sees it

You know how rap stations do remixes of songs? They'll be like "Here's the latest from Mims, but wait, REMIIIIIIIX!" And then there's Sean Paul. I love that.

I wish talk radio would do remixes.

"Yesterday on municipal debate, we discussed the zoning permits proposed for the 2200 block of district 13 with our guest Paul Dickens, Sr. and today--UH OH, REMIIIIIX!" and then they would have Birdman come in and offer his opinions in an educated and reasonable fashion and Lil Jon would stand in the back and provide assent. I think we could all learn a lot from that.

Colors! Beautiful horrible colors!

I changed the layout. If you hate it, go somewhere else. If you like it, stay awhile. Enjoy.
Love,
Chris

I always thought the song was Hey Chelsea...

"Tonight's episode of Friends featured music by The Gin Blossoms."

Woah...were you back in 1997 for a minute there?

Don't you miss those days?

Yeah, me neither.

Let's Kill Something Together

You know your culture has failed at creating an effectively menacing weapon when said weapon becomes a children's toy many years later. I'm looking at you boomerangs. Seriously Australia, was that the best you could do?

On a related bent (I think that means tangent) it's kind of scary when some of the most frightening instruments of death your culture produces happen to be next to the flower wallpaper and bath fixtures at Home Depot. Hammer-drills for instance. Reciprocating saws too. Bolt cutters. Home Depot is like a toy store for vikings. Sometimes me and my Dad go there and run around with drywall hammers pretending to be Indians.

Now that's fun for the whole family.

Bagpipe? More like FAGPIPE! HAHAHA

The fun fact on my Mott's Blueberrysaurus Apple Sauce yesterday said that the German word for "bagpipe" is "dudelsack". That sucks. I mean, the life of the bagpipist is a lonely one to begin with, but the life of the dudelsackler must be especially lonely. Just try going in a bar some night and asking a girl to touch your dudelsack. Or tell your friends that you're going to go blow some dudelsack. You'll be lonely too.

So here's to you, German Bagpipers. Keep on squeezing your dudelsacks.

Calm down you overactor...

Whenever you listen to the song "Boom" by P.O.D., Vin Diesel is required, under contract, to do something X-treme.


Seriously, that song is in, like, all of his movie trailers.

It's funny because it's topical, hyul hyul hyul!

I think Angelina Jolie got adoption confused with Pokemon. Angelina, if you're reading this, you don't have to catch them all.

I'm not sure what practical means. I'll look it up later.

Here's a fun practical joke you can pull on your friend. You'll only need a few basic household materials: a rubber band, 3 paper clips, a ruler, and a marble or some kind of clay.

Here's what you do:

Wait till he's not looking, then make sweet, tender love to his girlfriend.

You can do whatever you want with the other things. I usually just throw them away. Come to think of it, you can probably just skip to step 2.

This quote of the day calendar is crap...

March 8th, 2007

"You got a job, I ain't got one. You got a wad, I got this shotgun. You got a guard, I got this Glock. You here to work and I'm here to rob."
-William Butler Yeats

Wrestling is real!

I don't think it's fair for WWE wrestlers to pick their own names as their wrestling name. I'm sure that the Rock and Triple H spent hours coming up with names that summed up their personality, and countless days at their sewing machines making their costumes. Putting on some pants and running out yelling your own name is a discredit to the hard work put in by those others. What if spider-man couldn't think of a name for himself and just ran around New York calling himself Peter Parker? No one would go to see Peter Parker 3: The Rise of Bad Peter Parker is what. So come on wrestlers, get with the game.

I hope they pick it...

Hello Chris,

Your idea has been logged into our Random Genius Ideas Database. If we decide to use it, you'll be hearing from us.

Idea Type: Flavor
Idea Name: Darryl Strawberry
Description:
Strawberry ice cream with chocolate chips in the shape of promiscuous women. Also, powdered sugar on top. 



Thanks again for your idea.

Consumer Assistance
Ben & Jerry's

Here's a compilation of deleted scenes from The Office to tide you over until its return in April. Enjoy! (All links to YouTube).

Season 1:

The Pilot

Diversity Day

Health Care

Basketball

Hot Girl

Season 2:

The Dundies

Sexual Harassment

Office Olympics

The Fire

Halloween

The Fight

The Client

Christmas Party

Booze Cruise

The Secret

The Carpet

Boys and Girls

Valentine's Day

Dwight's Speech

Take Your Daughter to Work Day

Michael's Birthday

Drug Testing

Conflict Resolution

Casino Night

Bonus link:

Rainn Wilson's Monologue from SNL

Parsley, Sage, Rosemarijuana, Doin' Time

I wish there was a gang that listened to oldies instead of rap. Everything else was the same, just oldies were blasting out of their Escalade. So instead of hearing "BOOM BOOM DIE MOTHERFUCKERS DIE MOTHERFUCKERS BOOM BOOM" before that drive-by, you'd see some impala on hydraulics pulling up like "She's my...Candy Girl!" GAT GAT GAT. That would be sweet. I'd join a gang if they did that.

Why is there a rope on this soap?

Yesterday my roommate was all "I've been really into flying kites lately!" and I was like "That's funny because I've been really into shower rape lately!". On an unrelated note, if anyone is looking for a roommate, I need a new place to stay.

Dani Massachusetts

Dear rock bands,
The word "California" is now off-limits for the next 10 years. Find a new state to dote upon. Try Wisconsin.
Love,
Chris

I have no title for this one.

I'm giving up Jesus for Lent.

Penis is not an adverb. I can put penisly though.

I wrote a book called "Mad Libs for People with no Imagination". It's actually just a regular book of Mad Libs, but I went through and filled in all the Mad Libs with crayon. Some of them aren't even filled in, I just kind of scribbled dinosaurs on them. It's 15 dollars if anyone is interested.

More fun than a keg full of monkeys

You know what you just don't see anymore? A hobo, who by means of a pair of suspenders and some basic carpentry tools, has turned a barrel into a pair of pants. I miss the 1930's.