“My name is Chris, I’m 21, I’m an English major, and this girl won’t next me because I have a huge Dick…ens collection.” If you’re familiar with some version of that line, oh man is this article for you. If it was lost on you, just forget it. Go look at the pictures. There’s some nice ones on page 2. But seriously, at one time or another we’ve all sampled from the variety of reality-drama programming afternoon TV has to offer. Scripted dating shows, scripted makeover shows, and whatever the hell category Real World falls under, at some time or another you’ve probably watched at least one of them. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s like a $4.99 Chinese lunch buffet, it’s almost impossible for us as college students to stay away. Drama brings out an animal instinct in us, a voyeuristic need to feed our curiosity. “But there are so many shows, which one will provide me my drama fix?” Come along and I’ll tell you.
As far as pure drama per square inch of programming, it’s hard to beat MTV. Having been plagued with troublesome music videos for many years, MTV has finally launched an aggressive campaign to return to the quality reality shows that defined their early programming and earned them the name of “Music Television”. Fan favorite and 20-season-long staple “The Real World” continues to ask the question, “What happens if you put seven college kids in a house together with no supervision and enough alcohol to knock out a herd of elephants long enough to harvest their tusks? Oh yeah, and they have no TV.” So far as I can tell the answer continues to be: they hook up with anything and everything that moves including, but not limited to, the opposite sex, the same sex, rocking chairs, shiny surface reflections, and off-balance washer-dryers. At this point is anyone still surprised by this? Is there a guy out there laying his money on “Bible study” each week when he watches “Real World”? Keep betting on it. They’ll come around soon.
Inevitably, the amount of hooking up and the limited selection of options for hooking up generates an enormous volume of drama. Crushes are betrayed, backstabbing occurs, and long-distance relationships are rent asunder. If you’re into the pure, undiluted stuff, “Real World” is the moonshine of reality TV drama. But lets say that’s not your thing. Let’s say you like your drama a little rougher around the edges but with a hint of strawberries. More cat fights, more backstabbing, in general, more skanks. Let me introduce you to the “Boone’s Farm in a brown paper bag” of reality show drama: Rock of Love with Brett Michaels.
“Flavor of Love”, having opened the dams of the river up which the spin-off salmon could swim, paved the way for Vh1’s cutting-edge, “washed up celebrity that people kind of remember from the 80’s in some sort of wacky love situation” formula. If you like contracting venereal diseases through your eyes (not proven by science), I suggest sitting down and taking a gander. On a typical episode, Brett Michaels dresses up like a little kid playing cowboys and puts a variety of questionably moralled women through some love tests. I know what you’re thinking and no, the love tests aren’t Educational Testing Service approved; Brett usually just picks whatever will get the girls most naked or, failing that, muddy. As you can imagine, the combination of skanks, frivolous competition, the possibility of money, and a values scale based completely on appearance generates an absurd amount of drama, but of a variety that’s much cheaper and dirtier than the unscripted “Real World”. If you want to feel really guilty about your drama fix, then this is the show for you.
If neither of these options satisfy you, don’t despair, these are but two among the endless options of reality show drama out there. If you like your drama triple-filtered and smooth, try watching an episode of “The Hills”. If you’re content watching two homeless guys fight over a roast beef sandwich, try an old episode of “I Love
But please leave the drama for the reality shows. There’s no need to bring that into real life. Seriously, your hook up stories are only interesting to you.
