I will leave you unsatisfied

This is an update.

Pretzelz

I was at the train station today, eating an Auntie Anne's pretzel and waiting for my train when a policeman walked by with his radio going off. 9 times out of 10 those have absolutely nothing to do with me, but I'm always worried there will be that one time when I'll overhear the radio and it will be about me.

"Subject is a white male. Tall. Goofy in appearance. He's eating some kind of pretzelled bread. It appears to have cinnamon sugar on it. Possible security threat, requesting permission to smash his face in."

"Permission granted. Be sure to use the pointy end."

I would be so screwed if that happened.

Also, I would really like a pretzel now.

So that's where it comes from...

On Tuesday I bought a Snapple Green Tea and I opened it and there were words on the bottom of the cap. The words spelled out a sentence and it said, "Fun fact: Ginseng is just pee."

Damn you Snapple. That's not funny.

Let me axe you something

Since they've already got the questionable commercials, I think AXE should just go all in and release a bunch of rape-themed scents. They could give them names like "frat party" or "no means yes" or "what's that in your drink?".

I should so be in charge of their marketing.

Celebrities that look like other animals:

Everything you need is really in the title and the picture with this one. If you want some sort of accompanying "Taco Bell" joke, send me an email and I'll see what I can do.

Dear Icy Winter Wind:

Knock it off.

Come On Down To Crazy Dave's Car Emporium

Apparently when car dealers say "We'll say yes to any deal", that does not include deals that involve sex. Guess I'll take my penis elsewhere. I hope Chuck E. Cheese is open.